2245 hours

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Harini ada something yang aku nak share dengan, readers blog (kalau ada). Kalau tak ada pun, I think, it would be such a great burden relief if I write it down, here.

Aku tak tahu lah. Is it normal to feel insecure while looking at pretty, or decent woman? or, skinny woman ? Aku rasa macam, dibenam dalam tanah je bila tengok perempuan perempuan lawa kat instagram.

It made me feel so timid and down to Earth. I felt like digging up a hole and bury my face in the ground. Bukan tak bersyukur. NO. Tak langsung. But , I cant help myself but to feel that way.

Sometimes, when I looked to those skinny girls, with nice curvy body (which I consider perfect and beautiful), I felt the same way. I'm embarrassed. So, I started to think that I need to lose some weight.

When I dont eat and people asked why, I said, 'I need to lose weight. I think I kinda plumped. ' and, people just, at lost of word to say anything. They said, my body is okay. 'You're not fat. You're not too thin. You're okay' But, I insisted. I still think the same. I need to go on diet.

Not only diet. I go out almost everyday (when Im on my semester break) to exercise. Sometimes, I go to the stadium for a swim. Or, at times, I go out for a jog. If Im too lazy to go out, or its raining, I'll just stay in my room and do some cardio. (Actually now i have sore legs and abs. Maybe because I overworked)

See. I always push myself. Just to lose weight. My mom said, 'ada yang tak kena dengan otak kamu ni'

Lately, ada orang tweet 'dah kurus. tapi rasa diri tu gemok. Annoying doh'

Eversince that, I dah tak boleh tweet

' I need to lose weight'
' My thigh are growing'
'I need to workout'

Bukan saya yang pilih nak fikir macam tu. Saya nak makan apa yang saya teringin nak makan. Saya nak duduk dalam bilik and enjoy most of the time watching movies and eating snacks. Tapi saya tak boleh.

Saya sekat makan, saya sekat kemalasan saya tak nak workout. Saya tahan semua.

Saya tahu apa yang orang lain fikir. 'Ish dia ni. Dah kurus, cakap diri tu gemuk'

But, I just cant help myself :(

Maaf kalau awak rasa offended in anyway. Orang yang kenal saya, tahu, saya macam mana. So, I really hope, you guys(whoever you are) to stop judging like you really know me. It hurts to know what you guys think. And , it hurts even more to pretend that I dont care, but actually I do :(